The tree stands firm providing shelter, shade, light throughout the seasons. How I feel for that tree. The branches reaching up for the sky, is it in despair or wanting to get away?
I have to say that I've been feeling restless, looking around my house and trying to be on top of getting it ready for staging and becoming a show home to potential buyers. The trouble is, when you don't like a house, and in fact, never have, it becomes one huge chore. No matter how many times I decorate or clean, it still isn't home and my inspiration has become dry and fragile.
The quirkiness of old Sweetbriar Cottage compared to the modern unimaginative rooms of our current house is depressing, especially when I realised the other day that it is coming up to 14 years! We came here to bring up the kids and that's exactly what we have done, but they as well as me have disliked the village and house for many years. Gradually the old neighbours are moving out for the same reason and the new are moving in, once again with very young children to start primary school and go through their schooling years. It's time to go and find a place with views, fields, a large garden (like Sweetbriar's), quirky rooms and of course a room I can convert into a book lined study for me! Maybe this is why I have been feeling very down lately and want to escape.
The London fix is still unattainable at the moment and I feel trapped in every way. Isn't it hard when you feel like this? Nothing feels right and, in my case, you realise that what ever you do is for someone else. I found when I had the foot surgery that no matter how much I have helped others in the past, hardly anyone helped or contacted me. In fact I was still the agony aunt and having to smile through the pain while I dealt with their problems! And so, during January there was a lot of deleting going on, old friends and family were blocked from my phone and deleted from the awful Facebook - and yes, I feel so much better doing it and saying "no, I didn't know" (I would like to say "and I don't care!"). This is very not me and can only say it must be my age and the fact that I am tired and exhausted by doing things for others ALL the time in an environment that I feel trapped in. I would love to just pack my bags and just go. Jump in my little car and stop when the tank is dry and start again - making sure the battery for the camera and the laptop were with me!
I am just rambling and licking wounds today, things are very grey in the Sweetbriar Dreams corner right now and I hope to kick this into touch soon. Maybe with the new shoots appearing things won't seem so bleak and my heart won't be on my sleeve.